ABORTION, n. A preemptive strike against a potential future terrorist.

BOHEMIAN GROVE, n. The place where the rich and powerful gather to worship Moloch, an owl-god, according to Alex Jones, who apparently worships some sort of bull-god.

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE, THE, n. The United States’ declaration of its independence from Great Britain. This lexicographer is awaiting, but not holding his breath while doing so, the United States’ declaration of its independence from Israel.

HOOVER, J. EDGAR, n. A vacuum cleaner that sucked up lots of dirt.

LEVITY, n. The force that opposes gravity and makes levitation possible.

LIBERTARIAN PARTY, n. The Doctor Pepper of American politics.

MILITANT, n. One who it is kosher for Israel to kill. Beyond that, this lexicographer doesn’t know what this word means.

POET, n. One who is penny foolish but Pound wise. One who knows a word’s worth.

PRESENT DANGER, THE, n. The present pretext for American militarism and imperialism.

PROLIFER, n. One who believes all human life is sacred and who, therefore, is very happy that Josef Stalin was not aborted.

REEFER MADNESS,n. The insanity invariably inspired by smoking the devil’s weed, marijuana. It leads to loud music, illicit sex, and homicide. Yes, smoking marijuana always leads to homicide, preferably of some narc.

TWO-PARTY SYSTEM, n. A political system that is more fun than a one-party system, but not as much fun as a three-party, or four-party, or five-party system.

WELTSCHMERZ, n. Germanic depression.

AMERICAN, n. A sheep whose fleece is red, white and blue.

BIN LADEN, OSAMA, n. A freedom fighter, according to Ronald Reagan. A terrorist, according to George W. Bush. As the saying goes: One Republican’s freedom fighter is another Republican’s terrorist.

GAY LIBERATION, n. Out of the closet and into the casket.

GREAT WHITE SHARK, n. A type of fish created by a benevolent Deity to provide a role model for Compassionate Conservatives.

HOLOCAUST, THE, n. A beloved conspiracy theory that’s not called a conspiracy theory because it’s the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth, so help me Hannah and her sisters, so you’d better believe it, punk.

HUXLEY, ALDOUS, n. A writer notorious for his virulent anti-Semitism, as expressed in such books as “Eyeless in Gaza” and “Brave Jew World.”

MEDICAL MARIJUANA, n. A gateway drug which will lead to the use of medical heroin, or at least medical morphine.

MIDDLE CLASS, THE, n. The backbone of American society, a society notorious for its lack of backbone.

MYSTIC, n. One who, like Ouspensky, could go mad from one ashtray, or one ashram.

REASON, n. The faculty with which one can find a reason for anything.

REVENGE, n. Getting even, or getting even more than even.

REVOLUTION, n. A gun-American activity.

ROSICRUCIAN, n. Originally, a supposed member of a supposed secret society whose supposed lips supposedly were Hermetically sealed.

SIN, n. A god first worshipped in ancient Harran but now universally revered.

SYCHOPHANT, n. One who seeks upward mobility through upward sucking.

ACID HEAD, n. One who trips the light fantastic.

CONSPIRACY, n. Piracy on the secret sea.

CONSPIRACY THEORY, n. A way for non-Marxists to wage class warfare against the rich and powerful.

CSICOP, n. A skeptic tank.

DOGWOOD, n. A tree whose bark is worse than its bite.

DRUG CZAR, n. A despot-head.

FULL MOON, n. The moon when it is visible as a fully illumnated disk. The night of a full moon is the time when werewolves and weredoes prowl.

GONZO JOURNALIST, n. An amuckraker.

GREENSPAN, n. Formerly, the width of a handful of Federal Reserve Notes.

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, n. A house that is usually divided against itself and yet still stands.

IDIOT, n. Anyone who disagrees with an asshole.

MOON, SUN MYUNG, n. A Moon that is always full.

NEWSWORTHY, n. Worthy of news coverage, such as, for instance, a meeting of rich and powerful people, including bankers, industrialists, media people, diplomats and politicians,which is why the mainstream media always make a point of covering the annual meetings of the Bilderbergers.

PATRIOT, n. In the post-9/11 United States, one who wears an American-flag pin to show his love for Israel.

SACRED, adj. Profane but pretentious.

SMART BOMB, n. A weapon with an IQ higher than that of the patriots who reflexively applaud its use.

SOUTHERN BAPTIST, n. A Baptist who is even stupider than other Baptists.

AMBULANCE CHASER, n. A shyster who isn’t shy.

AMERICAN INTERESTS, n. 1. Corporate interests. 2. Israeli interests.

BASKET CASE, n. A soldier who has said a farewell to arms–and legs.

BELIEVER, n. An opinion addict.

CATECHISM, n. Dogmatism.

CENSORSHIP, n. Vee haff vays uff making you shut up.

CIA, n. The Conspiratorial Intervention Agency.

COMMON SENSE, n. The faculty that enables one to see the obvious truth, such as that the earth is the center of the universe around which all else revolves.

HERETIC, n. One who disagrees with a fanatic.

HERESY, n. An underdogma.

ISRAEL, n. The United States’ best ally in the Middle East, which is why, whenever the US gets into a war in the Middle East, Israeli troops are right there fighting along with American troops against our common foes.

MALPRACTICE SUIT, n. Shyster vs. Sawbones.

NEW WORLD ORDER, n. A new and improved world order.

PEACE WITH HONOR, n. Defeat with deceit.

RENDEZVOUS WITH DESTINY, n. A tete-a-tete with TNT.

THANKSGIVING DAY, n. A day when Americans give thanks that they are not turkeys, even though many of them actually are.

WAR, n. Apparently a very bad thing, since every warmonger abhors it.

ZIONIST PROPAGANDA, n. AIPAC of lies.

Dear Allah,
Hello again, you BS artist.
In my satirical essay, “An Open Letter to Allah,” in my book, “The Myth of Natural Rights and Other Essays” (Nine-Banded Books, $13), I criticized one of your blatantly specious arguments for your own existence, an argument which went like this: “Seest thou not that Allah sends down rain from the sky, and forthwith the earth becomes clothed with green?”
But in rereading “The Holy Qur’an,” as translated by Abdullah Yusuf Ali, I noticed, particularly in Surah 56, another, somewhat different type of argument for your existence. It’s a type of argument known in informal logic as a false dichotomy, false alternative, or an either-or argument. It involves asserting there are only two possibilities when there are actually more than that.
Usually, the one who is using this cheap debating trick will say there are only two alternatives, one that is easy to refute, and the other one that he wants suckers to believe. After refuting the easy-to-refute alternative, he then triumphantly declares that the other alternative must be the truth.
In Surah 56, you don’t bother to spell all that out, Allah, but here’s one example of the false dichotomies you set up:

“See ye the water which ye drink?
“Do ye bring it down (in rain) from the cloud or do We?” (Surah 56: 68-69)

So you’re trying to pretend there are only those two possibilities: (1) either humans bring down the rain from the cloud, or (2) you bring (or send) down the rain, Allah. Presumably, you expect us to reject (1). OK. Let’s say you’re right in implying that humans don’t bring down the rain (even though there might be some exceptions to that generalization). That doesn’t prove that you send down the rain, Allah, because you’ve ignored and haven’t refuted at least two other possibilities.
The first is the possibility that rain is sent down, not by you, Allah, but by some other god, perhaps a god more worthy of worship than you. Maybe Yahweh, or Ahura Mazda, or Zeus, or Thor, or Chalchihuitlcue.
The other possibility you’ve ignored, Allah, is that the rain comes down as part of a natural cycle of events without any god being involved. And here’s the thing, Allah. Your long, boring book contains lots of specious, inconclusive arguments for your existence as “the Creator” of everything, but not a single, solid, conclusive argument for the existence of any such creator of everything.
If, as you pretend, you are all-knowing and all-wise, why can’t you create some better arguments, Allah? As I’ve pointed out before, some mere human philosophers have actually managed to create better, more convincing arguments than you have for the existence of a creator-god.
Allah, you’re a fake,a fraud, a phony. Go play in traffic, Allah.
Yours truly,
L. A. Rollins

Emperor Bush–you had to admire
How he so boldly led us into a quagmire.

Emperor Bush never ended the war.
That’s not what he started it for.

The war in Iraq was not a mistake
Even though the reasons that were given were all fake.

Emperor Bush was so endearing
To friends and family who were war profiteering.

Emperor Bush–wasn’t he lucky
He could give some war bucks to Uncle Bucky?

Emperor Bush solved all our problems
By cutting taxes and killing Moslems.

Emperor Bush had a complex mind,
The military-industrial kind.

The military budget did not shrink
And now the Navy sails a sea of red ink.

If you want to buy a bunch of tanks,
Go borrow some money from the banks.

Emperor Bush dug us deeper into debt,
But our kids can pay it, so, hey, no sweat.

Emperor Bush supported our troops
By getting them killed for selfish reasons, you dupes.

Emperor Bush was a regular guy,
A Skull and Bones member just like you and I.

Emperor Bush cared about me.
I had a billion dollars, you see.

The Emperor opposed double taxation
On any investor or corporation.

As for employees (can you guess what rhymes?),
It was okay to tax them four or five times.

Emperor Bush didn’t have to think.
He waged class warfare just from instink.

Emperor Bush–a great hero was he.
He kilt him a terrorist when he was only three.

Emperor Bush fought terror so boldly
By invading Iraq and killing people coldly.

Emperor Bush was such a brave Americano
He refused to fight Saddam mano a mano.

Emperor Bush was a man of peace,
Just like Sharon, the bloodstained beast.

Emperor Bush was braver than braver.
He kissed Israeli ass only ’cause he loved the flavor.

Emperor Bush knew what Jesus would do.
Jesus was a neocon warmonger Jew.

Emperor Bush walked in Churchill’s shoes,
A hardcore warmonger, but without the booze.

Emperor Bush was not a lame duck.
He ducked real good when the shoethrower struck.

And to judge from what I saw on the cable-TV news,
That guy must have thrown at least a thousand shoes.

CONSTITUTION, THE, n. A constitution that was unconstitutionally substituted for the original US constitution, the Articles of Confederation.
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DEMJANJUK TRIAL, n. A Jerusalem witch trial. (Fuck ’em, if they can’t take demjewjokes.)

FACIST, n. One who judges another person based on his or her face.

GOAD, JIM, n. The World’s Bravest Man, unless maybe Ali Fadel, mayor of Baghdad, is the World’s Bravest Man, or Alex Jones, or….

HIROSHIMA, n. A Japanese city Harry Truman decided to atomize because it was a military target and he didn’t want to kill civilians.

HOLOCAUST, THE, n. The most evil and most entertaining crime of all time.

9/11, n. The day when everything changed, when George W. Bush transformed from moron to genius, when the Bush II administration lost all interest in invading Iraq, and when the US government dropped Israel like a hot potato.

RETALIATE, v. To take an eye for an eye, or in the case of Israel, to take a hundred eyes for an eye.

RON PAUL REVOLUTION, THE, n. A revolution that is not a revolution, at least not so far.

SELF-CENSORSHIP, n. Tying one’s own tongue.

SIRIUS, n. The hidden supreme god of the secret societies of the West, just like Jahbulon, Lucifer, Satan, etc.

ABOMINATION, n. An action that puts God’s nose righteously out of joint, such as men having sex with men or anyone eating shrimp.

ABSOLUTE , adj. Obsolete.

Amenable, adj. Willing to say, “Amen.”

AMERICA, n. Columbia, the Purloined Gem of the Ocean.

ARMS CONTROL, n. People control. I’m sure the folks at the John Birch Society will agree that when Weapons of Mass Destruction are outlawed only outlaws will have Weapons of Mass Destruction.

BLACK ATLANTIS, n. The title of this lexicographer’s book proving that Atlantis was the first civilization and that it was a Black civilization.

CREATIONIST, n. One who knows that humans are not animals, which is why humans don’t eat, drink, defecate, urinate or copulate.

CULT, n. A religion that is disapproved of, especially if it is smaller and less powerful than other religions. Past and present cults include Jews for Jesus, Christians for Krishna, Quakers for Quetzalcoatl, Zoroastrians for Zeus, Sciencefictionology, the Dead People’s Temple, the Latter-Day Sinners, etc.

GOD, n. A word which will be erased from the lexicon of life when our Luciferian Conpiracy has achieved complete control. Nyah hah hah! Nyah hah hah hah hah!

INVESTOR, n. One who gambles on Wall Street rather than in Atlantic City or Las Vegas.

MAN, n. In traditional Catholicism, a sack of shit made in the image of God.

MARKET MYSTIC, n. One who believes in the magic of the market.

MENOMINEE, n. An American Indian tribe consisting of all those who have been nominated for an Academy Award. Members of the tribe can sometimes be heard to say, “Me nominee.”

PURITAN, n. One who believes that even sex in the shower is filthy.

WATERBOARDING, n. An extreme sport that many Muslims have participated in in recent years.

APOSTLE, n. A fisher of men who uses the worm of immortality as bait.

ARMAGEDDON THEOLOGY, n. This is the way the world ends, not with a whimper, but with a Bible bang. Blessed are the warmongers for they shall be blown to Kingdom Come.

BLACK SHEEP, n. One who has a b-a-a-a-d attitude.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST, n. One who is devoted to giving conspiracy theory a bad name.

FUNDAMENTALIST, n. One who takes the Bible literally, except when he doesn’t.

HERITAGE, n. An inheritance, such as Christianity or hemophilia.

INEVITABLE, adj. Unavoidable, unless you do what I tell you to do to avoid it.

JESUS, n. The imaginary friend of over a billion chldren of all ages.

MONEY, n. The measure of all things.

RAPTURE, THE, n. Beam me up, Goddy.

ROYALTY, n. A share paid to a writer of the proceeds from the sale of his or her work: so-called because it invariably enables him or her to live like royalty, such as an Ellery Queen or a Stephen King.

SALIVATION, n. A prerequisite for salvation.

SELF-EMPLOYED, adj. Self-exploited.

TRUTH, n. Apparently a very good thing, since every liar and every raving, dogmatic fanatic loves it above all else.

WE THE PEOPLE, n.pl. What do you mean “We,” White man?