ANTHEM, n. A song of allegiance, such as the following:

Atlantis, ’tis of thee,
Sweet land of fantasy,
Of thee I sing,
Land of Blavatsky’s pride,
Where black magicians died.
Round every oceanside
Let myth be king.

BIDEN JOSEPH, n. Joe AIPAC, politically a more important person than Joe Sixpack.

CITY, n. Hell and heaven on earth.

HAMAS, n. Israel’s Frankenstein monster? (It has been alleged that in the late 1980s Israel supported Hamas in order to weaken Arafat’s Fatah.)

NATURE, n. A source of authority even for supernaturalists. For example, in I Corinthians 11:14, Saint Paul (or somebody) wrote, “Doth not nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame to him?” Of course, nature does not teach any such thing. In nature, a man’s hair normally grows to be long, just like a woman’s hair, unless the man interferes with nature by cutting his hair or having someone else cut it.

PAROCHIAL SCHOOL, n. A school where students can still learn the three R’s–Rum, Romanism and Rebellion.

PROTOCOLS OF THE LEARNED ELDERS OF ZION, n. A document that describes a plan to achieve world dominaton. Of course, as everybody knows, this document is a fraud, a fake, a forgery, a hoax. And, in this case, what everybody knows is probably true. At any rate, I find it very interesting that the Protocols, which Henry Ford once said “fit in with what is going on,” contain nothing whatsoever about Zionism, nothing about Jewish immigation to Palestine to set up a Jewish state there. Despite that, some conspiracy nuts have had the chutzpah to attribute the Protocols to the Zionists.

PUBLISH OR PERISH, Trick or treatise.

REICHSTAG FIRE, n. A false false-flag operation. A widely accepted conspiracy theory claims that one way or another the Nazis set fire to the Reichstag building in 1933, to provide a pretext for cracking down on Communists and other political opponents. However, in his book, “The Reichstag Fire: Legend and Reality,” Fritz Tobias made a convincing case that Marinus van der Lubbe was the lone arsonist, just as van der Lubbe himself claimed.

SEXISM, n. A new heresy, or rather, a new hisesy.

AFGHANISTAN, n. Formerly, the Russian bear trap. Now, the American eagle trap.

AMERICA, n. A land where anything is possible, where any boy can grow up to be president.

ETERNAL BLISS, n. Promises, promises.

HOLY GRAIL, THE, n. A holy cup or stone or bloodline or something. At any rate, whatever it is exactly, it’s holy.

JESUS, n. A false prophet, according to the Gospel of Mark. (See Mark 8:38-9:1.)

KA’BAH, n. The structure that houses the Black Stone that is the only idol Muslims still worship.

LIBERTY, USS, n. The US Navy’s intelligence ship that Israeli forces attacked during the Six-Day War of 1967, wounding more than 100 and killing more than 30 American crewmen, and providing one more of the many reasons why Israel is so widely regarded as the US’s best and most reliable ally in the Middle East.

OBAMA, BARACK, n. As of January 20, 2009, the United States’ brand spanking new emperor.

PARABLE, n. A means of communication used by Jesus to make sure some people would not understand him, believe and be saved. That’s right, boys and girls. According to the Gospels, Jesus did not want to save everybody.

PLEIADIANS, THE, n. pl. A group of enlightened beings who have come to Earth to help us discover how to reach a new stage of evolution. Gosh. That’s really nice of them, isn’t it?

PRANAYAMA, n. Yogic breath control. Practicing pranayama can be somewhat like smoking marijuana but without smoking marijuana.

SKOPTSY, n. A member of a possibly defunct Russian sect who was man enough to emasculate himself, for the Kingdom of Heaven’s sake, as per Matthew 19:12.

WETBACK, n. A participant in the Mexodus for whom the water did not part.

ZIONIST, n. An Israel estate agent.

ABEDNEGO, n. One of three Jews, the others being Shadrach and Meshach, who were thrown alive into the fiery furnace on Nebuchadnezzar’s orders and who survived, unlike the Jews more recently thrown alive into the fiery furnace on Hitler’s orders. They don’t make Jews like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego any more.

BANK ROBBERY, n. 1. A robbery of a bank. 2. A robbery by a bank or banks, such as the $700 billion bank bailout of 2008.

CHANNELING, n. The New Age alternative to television. Unfortuately, television is more entertaining and more enlightening than channeling.

CHRISTIAN, n. A Christ addict. One who has a lamb on his back.

COMMITTEE OF 300, THE, n. The most secret society in the world, according to Dr. John Coleman, the most full of shit conspiracy writer in the world. (OK, maybe Coleman isn’t the MOST full of shit conspiracy writer. Maybe Lyndon LaRouche is more full of shit. Or David Icke. Or William Guy Carr. Or F. Tupper Saussy. Or…. In any case, Coleman is definitely one of the most full of shit conspiracy writers in the world.)

EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN, n. A Christ addict seeking to recruit new users.

GOD, n. The big guy up in the sky who intelligently designed domesticated cats to help humans by eating vermin, and who also intelligently designed the big wildcats, such as man-eating tigers, to help humans by eating humans.

JOY VEH, interj. A Jewish expression of happiness.

KING OF KINGS, THE., n. The boss of all bosses.

LAWYER, n. A master of the court-martial art of Tongue Fu, AKA Jew Jitsu.

MAYAN CALENDER, THE, n. A bridge to galactic wisdom that fosters personal growth and human evolution. (Your money will not be refunded if you are not completely satisfied.)

MEMPHIS, n. An ancient Egyptian city that Elvis had moved to Tennessee.

SMOKER, n. An ambulatory air polluter.

ABOLITIONIST, n. One who advocated the abolition of slavery, presuming to know better than the God of the Bible, who did not abolish it.

BOEING, The sound made by airplane parts bouncing off the ground.

CLASH OF CIVILIZATIONS, THE, n. The clash of barbarisms.

GAY DAY, n. St. Vaseline’s Day.

MERCY, n. Kindness or forgiveness shown by God to the Israelites, if not to the Egyptians. (“O give thanks…[t]o him who smote Egypt in their firstborn: for his mercy endureth forever.” Psalm 136: 1 and 10.)

MOUNT SINAI, n. The moral high ground.

MUSLIM ZIONIST, n. A very rare sort of individual, and therefore very precious.

PROSPERITY, n. God’s reward to the righteous, or to the wicked, as the case may be.

RAPTURE READY, adj. Not ready for no Rapture.

REAL PEACE, n. The kind of peace that can only be achieved by real war.

WAL-MART,n. A company that directly provides many low=paying jobs in the US, and indirectly provides many even-lower-paying jobs in China.

ABOLITIONIST, n. One who advocated the abolition of slavery, presuming to know better than the God of the Bible, who did not abolish it.

BOEING, The sound made by airplane parts bouncing off the ground.

CLASH OF CIVILIZATIONS, THE, n. The clash of barbarisms.

GAY DAY, n. St. Vaseline’s Day.

MERCY, n. Kindness or forgiveness shown by God to the Israelites, if not to the Egyptians. (“O give thanks…[t]o him who smote Egypt in their firstborn: for his mercy endureth forever.” Psalm 136: 1 and 10.)

MOUNT SINAI, n. The moral high ground.

MUSLIM ZIONIST, n. A very rare sort of individual, and therefore very precious.

PROSPERITY, n. God’s reward to the righteous, or to the wicked, as the case may be.

RAPTURE READY, adj. Not ready for no Rapture.

REAL PEACE, n. The kind of peace that can only be achieved by real war.

WAL-MART,n. A company that directly provides many low=paying jobs in the US, and indirectly provides many even-lower-paying jobs in China.

Emperor Bush was a straight shooter,
But his bullets were bent, weren’t they, Scooter?

Emperor Bush said what he meant,
But what he meant was always excrement.

Emperor Bush lied every which way.
He said we don’t do torture, no way Jose.

Emperor Bush never told the truth.
They should’ve tried torture and yanked out his tooth.

When Slick Willie lied about getting some head,
Truth was important, Republicans said.

When the Emperor lied about everything,
A different tune did Republicans sing.

Emperor Bush–he never lied under oath,
Except for the times he was sworn in, both.

The Fourth Amendment Emperor Bush violated.
For a search warrant he just couldn’t have waited.

Or so the Emperor said to justify
Seizing illegal power to snoop and to spy.

Emperor Bush didn’t like dictators
Who didn’t take dictation from their greaters.

The Emperor was not like King George, that’s hooey.
The Emperor was much more like King Louis.

ACAPULCO GOLD,n. The possible basis for a commodity-money system that could be called the Acapulco-Gold standard.

ANTI-GENTILISM, n. Talmudslinging.

EPISTLE, n. A letter attributed to an apostle.

EUROPEAN UNION, THE, n. The current candidate for the role of “Revived Roman Empire” allegedly prophesied by Daniel, in the ever-evolving end-of-the-world-is-near propaganda of the premillenial dipsensationalists. But as should be obvious to anyone who isn’t blinded by faith, the European Union, whatever it might be, is not a revived Roman Empire.

GOD’S LAW, n. The code of law that Utu, the sun god, gave to the Sumerian king Ur-Nammu.

HOLY FATHER, THE, n. The head of a church that worships Jesus, who reportedly said “Call no man on earth your father….” (Matthew 23:9)

IN FACT, In someone’s unproven assertion.

JAHMAICA, n. The original home of the Rastafari movement.

LAHAYE, TIM, n. A premillenial dipsensationalist who makes real profits by lying about false prophets.

LAVON AFFAIR, THE, n. The political scandal in Israel which resulted from the failure of an Israeli conspiracy in Egypt. The conspiracy, Operation Susannah, involved Egyptian Jews who were working for Israel planting firebombs in US and British buildings in Cairo in 1954, with the intent of blaming the bombings on Arab terrorists and souring relations between Egypt, on the one hand, and the US and Britain, on the other. This is just one of the many reasons why Israel is so widely regarded as the US’s best and most reliable ally in the Middle East.

MAD SCIENTIST, n. One of whom it might be said that there is scientific method in his madness.

MARILYN MONROE DOCTRINE, THE, n. The foreign policy doctrine enunciated by president
John F. Kennedy whereby he warned foreign leaders to keep their hands off of Marilyn Monroe.

OPEN BORDERS, n.pl., Hispanics Unlimited.

POLLUTER, n. A rich looter.

PROPERTY TAX, n. The rent paid to the supreme landlord, the government.

PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING, n. A sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers.

SERIAL KILLER, n. A murder addict. According to conspiracy theorist Michael Hoffman II, the term “serial killer” is heard in the unconscious Group Mind of the masses as “cereal killer,” suggesting human sacrifices to the pagan goddess Ceres. The following are some questions that I’ve addressed to Hoffman that he has not answered: Is “mass murderer” heard in the unconscious Group Mind of the masses as “mass [i.e., communion or the Eucharist] murderer,” suggesting human sacrifices to Jesus Christ? Is “parish priest” heard in the unconscious Group Mind of the masses as “perish, priest,” suggesting the telling of a priest to die? Is “lone assassin” heard in the unconscious Group Mind of the masses as “loan assassin,” suggesting a killer working for the Bankers? Is “missile attack” heard in the unconscious Group Mind of the masses as “missal [prayerbook] attack,” suggesting a Christian religious war? Is “sleigh bells” heard in the unconscious Group Mind of the masses as “slay belles,” suggesting an order to kill popular, attractive girls or women? Is “genocide” heard in the unconscious Group Mind of the masses as “Jennacide, ” suggesting the killing of someone named “Jenna”? Is “Deliverer” [i.e., Savior] heard in the unconscious Group Mind of the masses as “de-liverer” [i.e., remover of one’s liver], suggesting the liver-eating eagle Zeus used to punish Prometheus? Is “Dachau” heard in the unconscious Group Mind of the masses as “Doc, ow,” suggesting painful medical atrocities? Etc., etc., etc.

ZIONISM, n. Out of the ghettoes and into the Ghetto State.

BRAINWASHINGTON, D.C., n. The capital of the United States.

CHRISTIAN ZIONIST, n. One who is doubly deceitful.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST, n. One who says the Pope is not Catholic.

CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, n. A substance that is not controlled, although the government might be trying to control it.

FUNDAMENTALIST, n. One who knows how to read but not how to think.

HISTORICAL JESUS, THE, n. The Jesus who really existed, according to any one of the 57 different theories about the supposed historical Jesus.

HOLOCAUST , THE, n. The greatest excuse of all time. Remember: You can’t criticize the Israelis until they’ve killed more than Six Million Arabs and/or Muslims.

IGNORAMUS, n. One who only knows what he reads in the papers.

LIAR, n. Anyone who denies that Jesus is the Christ, according to a fanatical, dogmatic Christian liar.

NUCLEAR POWER, n. A Chernobyl manifestation of the power of man’s mind.

RAPTURE, THE, n. An expression that is not in the Bible. “The Bible” is another expression that is not in the Bible.

SATANIST, n. Anyone so designated by a raving religious fanatic.

THINKING, n. A Satanic activity and a leading cause of civilization. Remember: If God had wanted us to think, He would have given us brains.

WORLD WAR II, n. 1. The Triumph of the Won’t. 2. The Triumph of Good over Evil, according to pseudoskeptic Michael Shermer and other believers in the comic-book version of the war.

AHMADINEJAD, MAHMOUD, n. The new Hitler, according to the same old lying warmongers.

AMOTIVATIONAL SYNDROME, n. The psychological disorder that leads marijuana smokers to feel that nothing is worth doing except smoking marijuana. It is this lexicographer’s guess that the late “Vietnam syndrome” was simply a specific aspect of a more general amotivational syndrome.

CAMPAIGN, n. In US politics, a race in which a horse’s hind end almost always wins.

CONCERNED CITIZEN, n. One who believes it is better to give a shit than to take a shit.

EGALITARIAN, n. A member of the Not-see Party.

FRENCH TICKLER, n. A device whose nature and purpose is unknown to this lexicographer, although he suspects it is some sort of toy meant for the amusement of babes. In any case, he knows that American patriots no longer call it a “French tickler,” but rather a “Freedom tickler.”

JACKSON, ANDREW, n. A US president who reputedly was a Freemason and, therefore, must have been a tool of the Bankers’ Conspiracy. Or maybe not.

LIMITED GOVERNMENT, n. Government limited to its one legitimate purpose, world domination.

PLUTOCRACY, n. Government by the wealthy. Not to be confused with “Platocracy,” governmeny by a philosopher.

PUBLIC DIPLOMACY, n. A propaganda euphemism for propaganda.

SELF-GOVERNMENT. n. Government by someone else who belongs to the same group.

STRAIGHT SHOOTER,n. One who, like George W. Bush, is forthright and honest, according to those who are not.

STRONG ON DEFENSE, Willing, even eager, to spend money on the military like a drunken sailor with only one weekend left to live.

UNILATERAL DISARMAMENT, n. Any miniscule reduction in US military spending.

WAR, n. A means of torture that is not opposed by warmongers such as John McCain.

BLAME AMERICA FIRSTER, n. The term used by Blame America Neverers to refer to anyone who ever criticizes America’s rulers, who, of course, are above criticism. Yes, sitting up there on top of that huge pile of money, our rulers are way above criticism.

COALITION OF THE WILLING, THE, n. A folie a deux.

CONSPIRACY THEORY, n. A theory about a conspiracy, such as Alvin Rosenfeld’s theory about an Arab-Muslim conspiracy to destroy Israel, which he expounded in his 1977 book, “The Plot to Destroy Israel.” As Rosenfeld so cogently noted, the Arab and Muslim countries of the Middle East would never dream of fighting against each other, so the only possible reason for their acquisition of weapons was to use them to destroy Israel, which, of course, is exactly what they did.

DRUG-FREE AMERICA, A, n. A utopian fantasy used to irrationally rationalize the War on Some Drugs.

FORCE, n. The means by which Great Powers sometimes seek to show that international disputes must be settled by discussion and not by force.

HIZBALLAH, n. In Lebanon, the Party of God. In the US, the Republican Party is the Party of God.

LOVE CRIME, n. A crime motivated by love and which, therefore, should be punished less severely than the same crime committed with a different motivation.

PROCRASTINATOR, n. One who puts off until later what he could do sooner, such as, for example, a Nazi who said “Tomorrow, the world,” or a Jew who says, “Next year in Jerusalem.

SELF-DEFENSE, n. The God-given right to kill anyone whom you paranoiacally presume might possibly attack you someday. Fortunately, God gave this right only to Israelis and Americans, and not to Ayrabs or Muzzlems.

WORLD WAR TWO, n. The Good War. But to borrow a line from Ayn Rand: Good for whom, and by what standard?