Lucifer’ Lexicon

AFGHANISTAN, n. Formerly, the Russian bear trap. Now, the American eagle trap.

AMERICA, n. A land where anything is possible, where any boy can grow up to be president.

ETERNAL BLISS, n. Promises, promises.

HOLY GRAIL, THE, n. A holy cup or stone or bloodline or something. At any rate, whatever it is exactly, it’s holy.

JESUS, n. A false prophet, according to the Gospel of Mark. (See Mark 8:38-9:1.)

KA’BAH, n. The structure that houses the Black Stone that is the only idol Muslims still worship.

LIBERTY, USS, n. The US Navy’s intelligence ship that Israeli forces attacked during the Six-Day War of 1967, wounding more than 100 and killing more than 30 American crewmen, and providing one more of the many reasons why Israel is so widely regarded as the US’s best and most reliable ally in the Middle East.

OBAMA, BARACK, n. As of January 20, 2009, the United States’ brand spanking new emperor.

PARABLE, n. A means of communication used by Jesus to make sure some people would not understand him, believe and be saved. That’s right, boys and girls. According to the Gospels, Jesus did not want to save everybody.

PLEIADIANS, THE, n. pl. A group of enlightened beings who have come to Earth to help us discover how to reach a new stage of evolution. Gosh. That’s really nice of them, isn’t it?

PRANAYAMA, n. Yogic breath control. Practicing pranayama can be somewhat like smoking marijuana but without smoking marijuana.

SKOPTSY, n. A member of a possibly defunct Russian sect who was man enough to emasculate himself, for the Kingdom of Heaven’s sake, as per Matthew 19:12.

WETBACK, n. A participant in the Mexodus for whom the water did not part.

ZIONIST, n. An Israel estate agent.

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