BEAST, THE, n. The Secret Service code name for Barack Obama’s new presidential limousine. What’s with the Secret Service? Are they trying to drive Bible-prophecy nuts even nuttier than they already are, by suggesting that Obama IS the Antichrist, as some prophecy nuts have already been speculating? (Note: CNN and some other sources have given “The Beast” as the code name for the limo, but I now see other sources giving contradictory information, such as that the code name is “the Stagecoach.” )
FLORIDA, n. The location of the Fountain of Youth, according to some informants of Ponce de Leon. Florida, more specifcally Southern Florida, is also the location of one of the sanctuaries of the Illuminati, according to William Guy Carr. And why do the Illuminati have such sanctuaries?
In “The Conspiracy to Destroy All Existing Governments and Religions,” Carr wrote (circa 1958): “Only by making the whole truth known will we put an end to the Luciferian conspiracy upon this earth. If we continue to keep silence, because of the risks involved, the Luciferian conspiracy will progress to the final social cataclysm when the Goyim, with the use of atomic bombs and nerve gas, will slaughter each other by the tens of millions while the Illuminati , and their friends, bask in luxury on the sunny beaches of their sanctuaries.” Apparently, contrary to the view of nuclear war in Nevil Shute’s novel “On the Beach,” basking on the sunny beaches of Southern Florida and other places is going to be sufficient to keep the Illuminati and their friends safe from the effects of atomic bombs and nerve gases. Who’d’ve ever guessed?
FOREIGN AID, n. In the words of Bernard Rosenberg, money taken from poor people in rich countries and given to rich people in poor countries.
GANJA, n. A potent form of marijuana used for smoking. Allegedly Miguel de Portugal, self-proclaimed receiver of Divine revelations, accuses Opus Dei of smuggling vast amounts of ganja. I certainly hope that’s true, but if it is true, does that mean Opus Dei isn’t Catholic, but rather Rastafari?
GUILT-BY-ASSOCIATION ARGUMENT, n. A type of argument which, if carried to its (il)logical conclusion, might prove that everyone in the world, including all the conspiracy theorists who use guilt-by-association arguments, are part of the One Giant Conspiracy.
PITBULLS, n. pl. The dogs of dog-eat-dog capitalism, according to Mitchell Jones, a pro-dog-eat-dog-capitalism intellectual.
SAINT GERMAIN, COUNT, n. Ascended Master of the 76th Degree and former Chohan of the 7th Ray. Pretty impressive credentials, huh? By some accounts, Count Saint Germain was the Hidden Architect and Creator of the United States of America. But then, by some other accounts, Lorenzo Ricci, the 18th Superior General of the Society of Jesus, was the Hidden Architect and Creator of the United States of America. In this case, as in some others, we seem to have duelling conspiracy theories.
SECOND COMING, THE, n. The long-awaited return appearance by Jesus Christ, Superstar.
SPECTER, ARLEN, n. A specter who is haunting America.
TECHNOLOGY, n. Practical magic.
TORTURE, n. Methods of interrogation that the US government absolutely must be able to use, according to many Republicans and other sadists.