Lucifer’s Lexicon

BRAINWASHINGTON, D.C., n. The capital of the United States.

CHRISTIAN ZIONIST, n. One who is doubly deceitful.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST, n. One who says the Pope is not Catholic.

CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, n. A substance that is not controlled, although the government might be trying to control it.

FUNDAMENTALIST, n. One who knows how to read but not how to think.

HISTORICAL JESUS, THE, n. The Jesus who really existed, according to any one of the 57 different theories about the supposed historical Jesus.

HOLOCAUST , THE, n. The greatest excuse of all time. Remember: You can’t criticize the Israelis until they’ve killed more than Six Million Arabs and/or Muslims.

IGNORAMUS, n. One who only knows what he reads in the papers.

LIAR, n. Anyone who denies that Jesus is the Christ, according to a fanatical, dogmatic Christian liar.

NUCLEAR POWER, n. A Chernobyl manifestation of the power of man’s mind.

RAPTURE, THE, n. An expression that is not in the Bible. “The Bible” is another expression that is not in the Bible.

SATANIST, n. Anyone so designated by a raving religious fanatic.

THINKING, n. A Satanic activity and a leading cause of civilization. Remember: If God had wanted us to think, He would have given us brains.

WORLD WAR II, n. 1. The Triumph of the Won’t. 2. The Triumph of Good over Evil, according to pseudoskeptic Michael Shermer and other believers in the comic-book version of the war.

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