Lucifer’s Lexicon

AMEN, intj. Right on, bro. Tell it like it am.

BIBLE BELT,n. The belt that holds up the pants of Southern Baptists, except for Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, etc.

DARWINISM, n. A dogma that did not evolve from a wolfma.

FREE SOCIETY, n. According to Emperor George W. Bush, a society in which people throw shoes at him.

GOVERNMENT, n. The gang with the biggest bang.

HOSTAGE, n. A terrorist or other criminal’s detainee.

QUAYLE, DAN, n. A member of the tribe of Dan, which is the real reason he has a place in ruling circles. For corroboration–using the word “corroboration” very, very loosely–see the conspiracy-nut CD titled “Ring of Power.”

SO-CALLED RICH, THE, n. The rich, as referred to by Rich Limbaugh, er, I mean Rush Limbaugh.

TV, n. Transcendental Vegetation, America’s most popular method of meditation.

(The above defiitions, if only because they were not written yet, were not included in my 1987 Loompanics book, “Lucifer’s Lexicon,” but they could be included in either a sequel to that book or a new edition of it.)

A Queston for Mel Gibson

My question is: When are you going to make a movie based on the book of Revelation, aka the Apocalypse?
Think about it, if you haven’t already. It would be a very religious movie, like “The Passion of the Christ.” And it would be a very violent, gory and gruesome movie, farmore so than “The Passion.” Indeed, Revelation could be the most violent, gory and gruesome movie ever made. Imagine depicting the earth quakes, the plagues, the mass poisonings, the fires, the giant locusts stinging people, the giant hailstones, the blood as high as a horse’s bridle flowing for 200 miles or so, the battle of Armageddon, and the lake of fire and brimstone!
I realize that Revelation jumps around a lot in time and space. It’s not a straightforward chronicle of events like the Gospel stories about the Passion. It sems to me there are two possibilities. First, you could faithully follow Revelation, jump around in time and space, and make a very arty movie. Or you could hire some writer–me maybe–to turn Revelation into a straightforward chronicle of events. But either way, it can be done, Mel.
So what are you waiting for? At times I’ve read rumors that you were interested in making a movie about Boadicea or one about the Maccabean revolt. But no mention of Revelation. Come on, Mel. Isn’t it obvious that it’s your destiny to turn Revelation into a movie? And you can’t fight destiny, can you, Mel?

Alex Jones, the Bilderbergers and Oil Prices

If you do an Internet search for “Alex Jones and the Bilderbergers and Oil Prices,” you can find an article by Steve Watson, dated July 10, 2008, on Alex Jones’ website. The main thrust of the article was that already high oil prices might go as high as $200 a barrel or even higher if Iran was attacked. In any case, the Bilderberg power brokers planned to keep raising oil prices.
There was no hint in the article that oil prices might fall. For example, Watson wrote, “With prices showing no sign of dropping, it is certain that an attack on Iran would spur on the rise for the foreseeable future.”
Later in the article, Watson wrote, “Now there is serious debate about oil crashing the $200 a barrel level and beyond in the next year. If anything, the plan to hike oil prices is on an accelerated course.”
And Watson concluded the article with this: “Far from having a crystal ball that allows us to divine the future, we were able to accurately predict the soaring cost of oil by listening to what the power brokers themselves were saying, through moles that managed to infiltrate Bilderberg meetings and obtain the information.”
Speaking of Bilderberg, I remember hearing Alex Jones on the “Coast-to-Coast AM” radio program at the time of 2008 Bilderberg schmoozefest. At that time Jones claimed there were two factions within Bilderberg regarding oil prices. One group, he said, wanted to keep oil prices rising rapidly, as was then happening. The other group, he said, wanted to keep oil prices rising too, but more slowly. I don’t recall any indcation from Jones at that time that the Bilderbergers had any intenion of reducing oil prices.
As I said, Steve Watson’s article was dated July 10, 2008. Interestingly enough, according to a Wikipedia article about oil pr ices, the very next day, July 11, 2008, oil rose to a new record high price of $147.27 a barrel.
But, and it’s a BIG “but,” oil prices then dropped by more than $20 during the next two weeks, and they continued to decline for months, getting down to about $40 a barrel in early December 2008. On December 17, 2008, I saw it reported on MSNBC that oil had closed at $40.06 a barrel.
So what does this mean? Could it be that Alex Jones is not infallible? That his “inside information” isn’t neccssarily accurate and reliable? Do Alex Jones Bilderberg moles really exist? And if they do exist, are they double agents who sometimes feed him bogus “information.” Did the Bilderbergers, as Jones claimed, plan to keep increasing oil prices, but somehow their best-laid plans gang agley (went astray)? (In other words, are the Bilderbergers less powerfol, less in control of events than some conspiracy nuts seem to believe?)
Personaly, I don’t know what the explanation is, but I do know that Jones’ prediction that oil prices would continue to rise was wrong. So maybe Jones should forget about Bilderberg moles and get a crystal ball, if he wants to accurately predict the future.

Some Questions for Premil Dips

I have a couple of questions for premil dips (premillenial dipsensationalists) or any other fundamentalist prophecy freaks who disagree with my opinion that Ezekiel 38 and 39, about Gog of Magog leading an attack on Israel, was a false prophecy about ancient times, and who insist the prophecy is going to be fulfilled in our future, possibly–preferably!–in our very near future.
Actually, I have two main questions.
The first question is: If Ezekiel 38 and 39 is a prophecy about our future and not a false prophecy about ancient times, then why are all the attackers in Ezekiel 38 and 39 riding on horses? Do you really expect us to believe that Russia (who you identify as Gog), Iran, Libya, Ethiopia, etc., are going to attck Israel, and all the attackers are going to be riding horses? Even if Russia still has some Cossacks, as some of you premil dips like to say, the idea that Russia is going to attack Irsael with nothing but Cossacks seems extremely farfetched. (When the Russians invaded Afghanistan, were the invaders all on horseback? I don’t think so.) And as far as I know, the armies of Iran, Libya, Ethiopia, etc., do not consist entirely of cavalry.
The second question is: If Ezekiel 38 and 39 is a prophecy about our future and not a false prophecy about ancient times, then why are all of the weapons that are mentioned in the prophecy–shields and bucklers, bows and arrows, handstaves, and spears–ancient weapons? Are we really supposed to believe that Russia, Iran, Libya, Ethiopia, etc., are going to attack Israel with armies using only shields and bucklers, bows and arrows, handstaves, and spears?
Well, what, if anything, do you premil dips have to say for yourself and your farfetched beliefs?
Speakup, Hal Lindsey. Speak up, John Hagee. Speak up, Tim LaHaye. Speak up, somebody.

Lucifer’s Lexicon

CHRISTIAN COSERVATIVE, n. A blind guide who strains out a zygote but swallows a fullgrown camel jockey.

ESCHATOLOGY, n. A branch of scatology devoted specifically to bullshit about the end of the world.

JONES, ALEX, n. A drama queen. A bullshitter with a bullhorn. David Rockefeller’s illegitimate grandson.

HARRISON, WILLIAM HENRY, n. America’s best president ever.

QUETZALCOATL,n. The feathered serpent; the Aztec god of transitional evolutionary forms.

SOON, adv., Sometime within the next trillion years or so. (This is the meaning of the word as it is used in certain prophetic writings, such as “The Holy Qur’an.”)

THEOCRACY, n. 1.Rule by God, i.e., anarchy. 2. Rule by people pretending to represent God.

(The above definitions are hitherto-unpublished definitions which might be included in a sequel to the i987 book, “Lucifer’s Lexicon,” or in a second edition of it.)

No Child Left Behind

In their book, “Are You Rapture Ready?”, Todd Strandberg and James D. Terry, two premil dips (that’s short for “premillenial dipsensationalists”), assert that children too young to make a decision about accepting or rejecting Jesus as their Savior will be given the benefit of the doubt. They will be saved. Indeed , they will be Raptured to Heaven before the shit hits the fan, i.e., before the Tribulation. Or to use the words of George W. Bush–No Child Left Behind.

Ode to Emperor Bush

Emperor Bush liberated Iraq.
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Liberated Iraqis were dancing in the street
Because our troops were shooting at their feet.

Liberated Iraqis threw flowers and kisses
And a pair of shoes that were near misses.

Liberated Iraqis are now free
To murder boozemakers and drink only tea.

Iraqi women now have the right
To put on a burqa or stay out of sight.

Liberated Iraqis are now free
To bomb Christian churches and make Christians flee.

Liberated Iraqis now have the right
To obey Muslim law. Is that why we fight?

Allah Is Not PC

My book, “The Myth of Natural Rights and Other Essays,” includes the short, satirical essay,”An Open Letter to Allah.” To prepare to expand that essay into a book in its own right, I’ve been rereading my copy of “The Holy Qur’an,” generally an unrewarding exercise. However, one interesting thing I’ve noticed is in Surah 4, verses 36 and 37. Verse 36 ends by saying “…Allah loveth not the the arrogant, the vainglorious.” Verse 37 continues the thought: “(Nor) those who are niggardly or enjoin niggardliness on others….” 
But some years back, there were news stories about someone who was offended by another person’s use of the word “niggardly.” The offendee ignorantly regarded the word as a racial slur.
In any case, the word is now deemed offensive and is to be avoided.
And yet, there it is in my copy of “The Holy Qur’an.” It’s true that the English translation by Abdullah Yusuf Ali, contained in my copy of the book, was completed back in 1934. But since
Allah knows all and sees all, including the future, He must have known in advance that “niggardly” would eventually become verboten. So let’s give the devil his due. Whatever else may be wrong with Allah, at least He’s not PC.

Ahmed Osman’s Jesus Revisionism

In his book, “Jesus in the House of the Pharaohs,” Ahmed Osman claims, among other things, that Jesus lived (and was killed) at the time of Moses. The following quotation from pages 39-40 of his book is about one piece of evidence cited by Osman in support of his farfetched revisionist theory:
“If Jesus lived fourteen centuries earlier than has been thought, it would throw a new light on an event described in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke–the meeting of Jesus and Moses at the time of what has become known as his Transfiguration: ‘And after six days Jesus taketh with him Peter, and James, and John, and leadeth them up into an high mountain apart by themselves: and he was transfigured before them. And his raiment became shining, exceeding white as snow; so as no fuller on earth can white them. And there appeared unto them Elias (Elijah) and Moses: and they were talking with Jesus. And Peter answered and said to Jesus, Master, it is good for us to be here: and let us make three tabernacles; one for thee, and one for Moses, and one for Elias…. And there was a cloud that overshadowed them: and a voice came out of the cloud, saying, This is my beloved Son: hear him. And suddenly, when they had looked round about, they saw no man anymore, save Jesus only with themselves’ (Mark 9: 2-5, 7-8).
“Christian authors avoided trying to interpret the meaning of this account until the nineteenth century. It was then explained away as not being a description of actual hstorical events, but rather a matter of the psychology of Jesus and his disciples or having been a ‘spiritual experience.’ However, the factual nature of the Gospel narratives themselves does not permit this interpretation. Unlike the confrontation with Satan, when Jesus was alone with a fallen angelic being, the Transfiguration cannot be interpreted as symbolic or a description of a vision. Here we have three disciples who are said to be witnesses to a meeting between Jesus and Moses, an event that is the only clue in the Gospels to the era in which Jesus really lived.”
Osman’s assertion that “the factual nature of the Gospel narratives” does not allow the Transfiguration to be interpreted as symbolic or a vision seems rather odd coming from an author who devotes so much effort to arguing for the non-factual nature of the Gospel narratives.
And if the Transfiguration is a clue that Jesus really lived at the time of Moses, then what about Jesus’ disciples who witnessed it, according to the Gospels? Did Peter, James and John also live at the time of Moses? As far as I can see, Osman has not directly addressed that obvious question.
And if the Gospel accounts of Jesus’ disciples seeing him schmoozing with Moses is a clue that Jesus really lived at the time of Moses, then what about Elias (Elijah) who was also seen shooting the shit with Jesus? Did Elias also live at the time of Moses? Osman makes no attempt whatever to answer tht question or in any way to explain the presence of Elias at that particular powwow.
So musch for this ridiculous “argument” in support of Osman’s crackpot revisionist theory that Jesus lived at the time of Moses.

Lucifer’s Lexicon

CRUSADE, n. A jihad for Jesus.
GRAY MATTER, n. The type of matter necessarey for discerning shades of gray, rather than seeing things in black and white. Gray matter is not the matter with Kansas.
PANTHEIST, n. One who believes God is everywhere , even in the toilet (keeping a copy of the Koran company, perhaps).

(The above definitions are in the “Lucifer’s Lexicon” section of my book “The Myth of Natural Rights and Other Essays,” a 304-page paperback published by Nine-Banded Books. Price: $13.
Available from