Category: Archived Blog

The following piece of humorous verse was written in ancient times, i.e., in the 1990s. It was published in a zine titled “S.L.U.G.fest.” Last year, I sent this to the National Endowment for the Arts (NEA). Although I did receive a letter from the NEA with information about their writing fellowships, I haven’t yet received such a fellowship or the accompanying money.

If I covered my body with honey
And screamed that I’m oppressed,
Would you gve me a whole lot of money
And tell me you’re impressed?

If I wrote a grim play about AIDs
In which the whole cast died,
Would you pay for my Mexican maids
And my mansion on the West Side?

If I made a maudlin movie
About the Holocaust,
Would you think it was real groovy
And help defray the cost?

If I wrote some lesbian porno
Just like some Sapphic slut,
Would you quote someone like Adorno
To justify my smut?

If I blew up New York City
And called it “performance art,”
Would you think I was quite witty
And want to whiff my next fart?

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ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE, n. A group of bloodhounds smelling after “anti-Semitism.” As George Orwell once wrote (in a letter to a friend), “Some people go around smelling after anti-Semitism all the time. There is more rubbish written about this subject than any other I know of.”

DUMPSTER DIVING, n. Discardianism. For more information, see the book, “Principia Discardia, or How I Found the Goodies and What I Did With Them After I Found Them.”

GREAT GAME, THE, n. One part of a greater game, in which some people, the people who read William Guy Carr, are merely pawns. As for Carr, I believe he was a rook.

GUILLOTINE, n. A device used by French revolutionaries to achieve equalty by shortening the stature of aristocrats of above-average height.

GULLIBLE, adj. Willing to believe what I am not, and not willing to believe what I am.

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, THE, n. A house of ill repute.

INTERNET, THE, n. The information, misinformation and disinformation superhighways.

NEW HITLER, THE, n. The new target of wamongers.

POPULISTS, n. pl. People who are for the people who are for the people, and against the people who are against the people.

SACRED COW, n. A bovine deemed divine.

SAVAGE, MICHAEL, n. A silly savage who tells even bigger whoppers than other lying Zionist warmongers. For example, Savage goes beyond the usual lie that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, has threatened to wipe Israel off the map. According to Savage, Ahmadinejad has threatened to kill every Jew in the world.

CONSTITUTION, THE, n. A piece of paper that protects you from the government insofar as the government lets it protect you from itself.

DEMOCRATIC PARTY, n. The party of war and treason. The Republican Party is the exact opposite, the party of treason and war.

DISASTER, n. Good news for journalists , and for premillenial dipsensationalists.

EXPLORATION, n. A prelude to exploitation.

FARM WORKER, n. A Manuel laborer. One who stoops to reconquer.

MARIJUANA, n. Cannabis. It can also be spelled “cannabyss” to indicate that it is a weed with roots in hell.

MARONITE CHRISTIAN, n. The most common type of Christian in Lebanon. Not to be confused with a Moronite Christian, a common type of Christian in America.

PEACE PROCESS, THE, n. The process which might bring about peace between Israel and its enemies in about a million years or so.

PORNOGRAPHY, n. Originally and literally, the writings of prostitutes. Now, at least metaphorically, most writing.

TOUGH TIMES, n. pl. Times when the folks who work on Wall Street can no longer afford a $600 bottle of wine with their meals and have to settle for a $60 bottle.

TROPHY WIFE, n. A mantelpiece.

TRUMAN, HARRY S, n. The US president who gave ’em hell in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. In his Foreword to Israel Shahak’s book, “Jewish History, Jewish Religion,” Gore Vidal wrote: “Sometime in the late 1950s, that world-class gossip and occasional historian, John F. Kennedy, told me how, in 1948, Harry S. Truman had been pretty much abandoned by everyone when he came to run for president. Then an American Zionist brought him two million dollars in cash, in a suitcase, aboard his whistlestop campaign train. ‘That’s why our recognition of Israel was rushed through so fast.'” I wonder if there is any connection between this story and the better known one about the sign on Truman’s desk in his White House office that read, “The buck stops here!”?

WAR ON POVERTY, n. One of Lyndon Johnson’s no-win wars.

ACID, n. LSD. A Hasidic rabbi once took LSD in an experiment. He reported that the experience was “truly religious but not Jewish enough.” Presumably, therefore, he did not become an Acidic rabbi.

AMERICA, n. The greatest country on earth. In fact, it’s the greatest country on any planet, in any solar system, in any galaxy, in any universe, in any dimension! USA! USA! USA!

ANARCHIST, n. One who realizes that the ship of state is a pirate ship.

ATHEIST, n. One who believes that Deicide is a victimless crime.

BREATHARIAN, n. One who claims to be a luftmensch. One who claims that man can live by breath alone.

CALLOUS, n. What you can develop by doing callousthenics.

ESPERANTO, n. An aspiring international language in which at least three or four people are now fluent.

HOPHEAD, n. A narcotics addict, especially an opium addict. This name makes no sense, since it is beer, not narcotics, that is made with hops.

HORAH, n. An Israeli folk dance. I wonder: Were the five dancing Israelis who were arrested on 9/11 dancing the horah? And is it illegal to dance the horah in New Jersey? Is that why they were arrested?

TELEPATHY, n. A means of communication cheaper to use than a telephone, but possibly not quite as reliable.

ARMADILLO, n. A poor man’s pig. Some people angry with Herbert Hoover called the armadillo a Hoover hog during the Great Depression. I mean, the First Great Depression.

FRAGGING, n. The friendliest of all forms of friendly fire.

LIBBY, SCOOTER, n. One of the most honorable men that Dick Cheney has ever known.

MAGELLAN, FERDINAND, n. A pioneer of globalization.

NEW YORK TIMES, THE, n. All the news that it profits to print.

PAZZI FAMILY, THE, n. Bankers in 14th-Century Florence, best known for the Pazzi Conspiracy to assassinate Lorenzo de Medici and Giuliano de Medici, the two leading members of Florence’s dominant banking family. So here we have a bankers’ conspiracy AGAINST other bankers. (Although Giliano de Medici was killed, Lorenzo was not, and the conspiracy failed.)

RAPTURE OF THE DEEP, n. The intoxication experienced by deep-sea divers from breathing compressed air. Not to be confused with Rapture of the Dip, the assumption into Heaven that a premil dip (premillenial dipsensationalist) mistakenly expects to experience any second now.

REDISTRIBUTION OF WEALTH, n. Robbing Peter to pay Paul, something which every government does. No, Redistribution of Wealth was not invented by Barack Obama or FDR or Woodrow Wilson or even Karl Marx. For example, when the state of Georgia held the Gold Lottery of 1832, which awarded to winners 40-acre tracts of land that belonged to the Cherokee, that was Redistribution of Wealth.

STANDING ARMY, n. A menace, according to Thomas Jefferson and other Founding Fathers. I agree, but I will add that, in my opinion, a standing army is not as much of a menace as a marching army.

TIMOROUS, adj. As courageous as the American mass media, as, for example, in their coverage of the US-government-approved Indonesian invasion of East Timor.

BEAST, THE, n. The Secret Service code name for Barack Obama’s new presidential limousine. What’s with the Secret Service? Are they trying to drive Bible-prophecy nuts even nuttier than they already are, by suggesting that Obama IS the Antichrist, as some prophecy nuts have already been speculating? (Note: CNN and some other sources have given “The Beast” as the code name for the limo, but I now see other sources giving contradictory information, such as that the code name is “the Stagecoach.” )

FLORIDA, n. The location of the Fountain of Youth, according to some informants of Ponce de Leon. Florida, more specifcally Southern Florida, is also the location of one of the sanctuaries of the Illuminati, according to William Guy Carr. And why do the Illuminati have such sanctuaries?
In “The Conspiracy to Destroy All Existing Governments and Religions,” Carr wrote (circa 1958): “Only by making the whole truth known will we put an end to the Luciferian conspiracy upon this earth. If we continue to keep silence, because of the risks involved, the Luciferian conspiracy will progress to the final social cataclysm when the Goyim, with the use of atomic bombs and nerve gas, will slaughter each other by the tens of millions while the Illuminati , and their friends, bask in luxury on the sunny beaches of their sanctuaries.” Apparently, contrary to the view of nuclear war in Nevil Shute’s novel “On the Beach,” basking on the sunny beaches of Southern Florida and other places is going to be sufficient to keep the Illuminati and their friends safe from the effects of atomic bombs and nerve gases. Who’d’ve ever guessed?

FOREIGN AID, n. In the words of Bernard Rosenberg, money taken from poor people in rich countries and given to rich people in poor countries.

GANJA, n. A potent form of marijuana used for smoking. Allegedly Miguel de Portugal, self-proclaimed receiver of Divine revelations, accuses Opus Dei of smuggling vast amounts of ganja. I certainly hope that’s true, but if it is true, does that mean Opus Dei isn’t Catholic, but rather Rastafari?

GUILT-BY-ASSOCIATION ARGUMENT, n. A type of argument which, if carried to its (il)logical conclusion, might prove that everyone in the world, including all the conspiracy theorists who use guilt-by-association arguments, are part of the One Giant Conspiracy.

PITBULLS, n. pl. The dogs of dog-eat-dog capitalism, according to Mitchell Jones, a pro-dog-eat-dog-capitalism intellectual.

SAINT GERMAIN, COUNT, n. Ascended Master of the 76th Degree and former Chohan of the 7th Ray. Pretty impressive credentials, huh? By some accounts, Count Saint Germain was the Hidden Architect and Creator of the United States of America. But then, by some other accounts, Lorenzo Ricci, the 18th Superior General of the Society of Jesus, was the Hidden Architect and Creator of the United States of America. In this case, as in some others, we seem to have duelling conspiracy theories.

SECOND COMING, THE, n. The long-awaited return appearance by Jesus Christ, Superstar.

SPECTER, ARLEN, n. A specter who is haunting America.

TECHNOLOGY, n. Practical magic.

TORTURE, n. Methods of interrogation that the US government absolutely must be able to use, according to many Republicans and other sadists.

ANTHEM, n. A song of allegiance, such as the following:

Atlantis, ’tis of thee,
Sweet land of fantasy,
Of thee I sing,
Land of Blavatsky’s pride,
Where black magicians died.
Round every oceanside
Let myth be king.

BIDEN JOSEPH, n. Joe AIPAC, politically a more important person than Joe Sixpack.

CITY, n. Hell and heaven on earth.

HAMAS, n. Israel’s Frankenstein monster? (It has been alleged that in the late 1980s Israel supported Hamas in order to weaken Arafat’s Fatah.)

NATURE, n. A source of authority even for supernaturalists. For example, in I Corinthians 11:14, Saint Paul (or somebody) wrote, “Doth not nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame to him?” Of course, nature does not teach any such thing. In nature, a man’s hair normally grows to be long, just like a woman’s hair, unless the man interferes with nature by cutting his hair or having someone else cut it.

PAROCHIAL SCHOOL, n. A school where students can still learn the three R’s–Rum, Romanism and Rebellion.

PROTOCOLS OF THE LEARNED ELDERS OF ZION, n. A document that describes a plan to achieve world dominaton. Of course, as everybody knows, this document is a fraud, a fake, a forgery, a hoax. And, in this case, what everybody knows is probably true. At any rate, I find it very interesting that the Protocols, which Henry Ford once said “fit in with what is going on,” contain nothing whatsoever about Zionism, nothing about Jewish immigation to Palestine to set up a Jewish state there. Despite that, some conspiracy nuts have had the chutzpah to attribute the Protocols to the Zionists.

PUBLISH OR PERISH, Trick or treatise.

REICHSTAG FIRE, n. A false false-flag operation. A widely accepted conspiracy theory claims that one way or another the Nazis set fire to the Reichstag building in 1933, to provide a pretext for cracking down on Communists and other political opponents. However, in his book, “The Reichstag Fire: Legend and Reality,” Fritz Tobias made a convincing case that Marinus van der Lubbe was the lone arsonist, just as van der Lubbe himself claimed.

SEXISM, n. A new heresy, or rather, a new hisesy.

AFGHANISTAN, n. Formerly, the Russian bear trap. Now, the American eagle trap.

AMERICA, n. A land where anything is possible, where any boy can grow up to be president.

ETERNAL BLISS, n. Promises, promises.

HOLY GRAIL, THE, n. A holy cup or stone or bloodline or something. At any rate, whatever it is exactly, it’s holy.

JESUS, n. A false prophet, according to the Gospel of Mark. (See Mark 8:38-9:1.)

KA’BAH, n. The structure that houses the Black Stone that is the only idol Muslims still worship.

LIBERTY, USS, n. The US Navy’s intelligence ship that Israeli forces attacked during the Six-Day War of 1967, wounding more than 100 and killing more than 30 American crewmen, and providing one more of the many reasons why Israel is so widely regarded as the US’s best and most reliable ally in the Middle East.

OBAMA, BARACK, n. As of January 20, 2009, the United States’ brand spanking new emperor.

PARABLE, n. A means of communication used by Jesus to make sure some people would not understand him, believe and be saved. That’s right, boys and girls. According to the Gospels, Jesus did not want to save everybody.

PLEIADIANS, THE, n. pl. A group of enlightened beings who have come to Earth to help us discover how to reach a new stage of evolution. Gosh. That’s really nice of them, isn’t it?

PRANAYAMA, n. Yogic breath control. Practicing pranayama can be somewhat like smoking marijuana but without smoking marijuana.

SKOPTSY, n. A member of a possibly defunct Russian sect who was man enough to emasculate himself, for the Kingdom of Heaven’s sake, as per Matthew 19:12.

WETBACK, n. A participant in the Mexodus for whom the water did not part.

ZIONIST, n. An Israel estate agent.

ABEDNEGO, n. One of three Jews, the others being Shadrach and Meshach, who were thrown alive into the fiery furnace on Nebuchadnezzar’s orders and who survived, unlike the Jews more recently thrown alive into the fiery furnace on Hitler’s orders. They don’t make Jews like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego any more.

BANK ROBBERY, n. 1. A robbery of a bank. 2. A robbery by a bank or banks, such as the $700 billion bank bailout of 2008.

CHANNELING, n. The New Age alternative to television. Unfortuately, television is more entertaining and more enlightening than channeling.

CHRISTIAN, n. A Christ addict. One who has a lamb on his back.

COMMITTEE OF 300, THE, n. The most secret society in the world, according to Dr. John Coleman, the most full of shit conspiracy writer in the world. (OK, maybe Coleman isn’t the MOST full of shit conspiracy writer. Maybe Lyndon LaRouche is more full of shit. Or David Icke. Or William Guy Carr. Or F. Tupper Saussy. Or…. In any case, Coleman is definitely one of the most full of shit conspiracy writers in the world.)

EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN, n. A Christ addict seeking to recruit new users.

GOD, n. The big guy up in the sky who intelligently designed domesticated cats to help humans by eating vermin, and who also intelligently designed the big wildcats, such as man-eating tigers, to help humans by eating humans.

JOY VEH, interj. A Jewish expression of happiness.

KING OF KINGS, THE., n. The boss of all bosses.

LAWYER, n. A master of the court-martial art of Tongue Fu, AKA Jew Jitsu.

MAYAN CALENDER, THE, n. A bridge to galactic wisdom that fosters personal growth and human evolution. (Your money will not be refunded if you are not completely satisfied.)

MEMPHIS, n. An ancient Egyptian city that Elvis had moved to Tennessee.

SMOKER, n. An ambulatory air polluter.